Childish Gambino (one of my fave artists) is about to perform at the ACL Festival. It’s streaming live on youtube, so you don’t want to miss it! Specialists in recrimination art http://www.youtube.com/user/aclfestival I am beyond excited.
UNHOLY AUDITION (re-upload)
‘cause we all know this is the song that they would’ve auditioned with if it weren’t for the song restriction.
LMAO! I’ve been on a Glee kick this week, so I had to reblog this after seeing it. Face melting awesome-ness.
Just watched a video that really hit home for me. I won’t go into it too much, I’ll let anyone who decides to follow the link do so. However, it has made me kind of delve into my own anxieties about being around people, as well as my battle with my weight.
It’s no secret that I am grieving and that it is a process. These things take time, just like anything else, and part of my process is getting healthy so I can enjoy my time on this earth in honor of the love that I lost too soon. Coming to grips with that was tough, but that doesn’t seem to be the hardest part.
When you’re overweight, like I am now, it’s really hard to hide anything. People can’t seem to stop looking at you disgusted, sympathetically, disdainfully, or a combination of the three. They have no idea what it’s like to walk around with your imbalance and personal baggage in plain sight of the viewing, judgmental public. It can be really upsetting at times, but I’ve come to realize that most people are projecting their own issues with weight onto you.
I mean, yeah, the looks do bug me, but I can get over that a lot faster than people who just feel the need to vocally point out my weight to me. They could care less that it took me years to get this big either. No, all they care about is punishing me for whatever experience they had in their personal life with obesity. Just like with racists, or any other -ist, these people have taken the soul and/or humanity away from people who fall into these categories. They can’t understand what it’s like to be whatever it is that they have decided to be a smug dick to me for. All they can see is the ghost of their pain, and what they have oversimplified the source of that pain to be. As much as I’d like to help that person, I can’t. I’m a zero, a place holder, and just like they have no hold on me, unless I give it, I have no hold on them. Whatever I say or do, will just add insult to that injury. And I can’t be concerned with that. It sucks, but that’s the way it has to be right now. I’ve got my own shit to sort out. All I can do is return their malice, with a look of understanding and hope that that soul is laid to rest.
After realizing this, I’ve begun to be a little more comfortable with my weight. Not to the point of staying this way (my joints really can’t take it, man, and trying to make it through these mid-west summers is some bullshit). Just enough to start getting out of the house more. Honestly, I think I look good for someone who’s had an extinction level event occur in their soul. Hell, I made it out of bed this morning and that’s a feat unto itself. I’ll probably always be bracing for impact, and I don’t think I will ever not be sad, but I figured I may as well get comfortable with the situation I am in now. This is probably just the waiting room to some other shit anyway, but in the end, I can’t let someone else’s stunted emotional growth get in the way of my journey to be the healthiest me I can be.
I am so awful at making connections with people.
I’ve felt for most of my life that it was necessary to keep people at a distance and not to fully trust anyone for fear of rejection or getting hurt. Smiling, laughing, saying the right things and putting up walls or wearing a mask…easy. But being myself and being completely open in order to truly connect and understand someone else, I’d rather try my hand at Contra again. I realize that I’ve been this way with my own family, and I feel like it’s time to understand why I do this.
Honestly, it’s so disconcerting for me to try and understand other people on a deeper level, because I feel so naked. There’s this give and take that requires I open up, too, when the other person does, and it’s a really scary thing. I am learning daily, however, that this is necessary in order to have a balanced and more fulfilled existence. Plus, it’s on my list.
When was the last time that I actually initiated the connection, and followed through? I don’t think I ever have. WOW. That’s probably why all my attempts come off really immature and awkward. I’m still trying my hardest not to be completely honest, so when I feel like I’m about to open up too much I tend to skip to things that are incredibly inappropriate or ramble, which leads to me trying too hard. Then, if they reject me, it’s their fault not mine. Ugh, I’m a total self-saboteur!
I suppose for now I will just have to keep trying and hope that someone (anyone) will have the patience and understanding to accept my attempts.
Hugh Mackay (via skeletales)
Love this and so glad someone is pointing out that all our emotions are meant to contribute to who we become as a whole.
(Source: black-wolves)
I bought this a few months ago, and failed miserably. The truth is that this isn’t that hard to implement, I’m just a notorious flake. So, in order to hold myself more accountable and give this a true effort, I’m going to update each week as the book dictates. Let’s see how this goes. Anybody done this before? Was it hard? Any tips for a bum like me?
Had a bit of a break down and I am back on my anti-depressants. Sucked beyond all reason, but I actually feel a lot better. My weight loss stalled (go figure, after quitting the gym and increasing my workload by becoming company owner my original plan of roller derby went on hold AGAIN) so I am back where I started. I’m bound and determined to get this under control. Took my first steps by making a list of the things that kept me slim before
So, there’s the short list. I will be implementing these over the next week and I’m also going to try my hardest to follow the Yoga Diet after that. I’ve only got this year and next year left to shed 125 lbs (yeah, I’m a a damned house. It’s my fault though for not following through) but I know I can do it. :)
I’m like really bummed out now after watching this…
I am DYING to hear his new album. This song just intensifies the craving. :)
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